There is a strange and confusing moment when I stop to think back on things accomplished and done. On one side of the spectrum I see the good I have done and on the other there is the lagging feeling that something more could have been done. I especially feel this way when thinking back to my writing because that’s what I really want to do. I would love to have no “day job” except to write. I’d love to lock myself away and hammer out whatever daily quota of word count I set before me. I’d like to sit and ramble on the screen and see where everything ends up knowing that one day I’d put it all out into the world to discover what it thinks of my thoughts.
So why don’t I? The world, my world, is riddled with excuses and responsibilities. I’ve always been one to want to take care of everything around me. I’m no perfectionist, but I like things to run smooth (or as smooth as they can) so that everything seems stable and safe. I’m sure it’s a thought process most dad’s want for their kids/family/whatever. But, when does that become ones life. I have moments where I feel like I’m one of those hamsters in the never-ending wheel pedaling along keeping the wheel moving for the sake of keeping the wheel moving. Some days it seems like that’s exactly what needs to be done, others not so much. It’s trying to find the delicate balance of doing for others and doing for oneself.
It is easier to be more selfish when there is a deadline. That’s something I’ve learned over the years and is probably a byproduct of my days as a journalist. Deadlines are good. Most of what I write (short stories, novellas, and so on) were accomplished with the use of deadlines and a challenge set to get shit done. Having someone to hold you accountable is also one of those “good things” to have. And yes NaNoWriMo is awesome. It’s stressful, exhausting, and feels like an endurance run that can only be matched by playing soccer, but the end result is a pretty cool feeling. I didn’t sign up for the Camp NaNoWriMo, but I’m contemplating doing it again in November. I also have shit to do with the last NaNoWriMo project like editing that I keep putting off. I have my notes written down on the pages as well as what my beta readers have sent me, but I can’t get the ball rolling in getting the next draft done.
I need a deadline. I need a new project to spend time on and be selfish with my time. I want to get shit done. I just need to be stubborn and do it.